Ohh, Baby, Baby!

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For the Firstborn

Yes, it's been a while. And yes, my first post back is unashamedly taken from someone who took it from someone else.

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you.


Click to win

Any baby carrier fans out there? Check out Michelle's blog for a chance to win a Beco Butterfly 2!


yeast, blow-outs, and blogging

Gah! I've let so many days go by without blogging, but I've seen so many days of playing with my boys, so I still feel good about myself!

I've been dealing with a nasty case of thrush that Gavin has. I've been using the nystatin mouth stuff, and it got it almost away, but it's back in full force! He has a next appointment next Wednesday, so I guess I'll just keep with Nystatin until then, then I'm asking for other advise. I know of gentian violet, but I'm cringing at the staining, because knowing Gavin, those days will the the worse spit-up days in history!

I should give GSE a try, grapefruit seed extract, I think. It's just the matter of being able to go get it in the mornings, and right now, my mornings are swamped. I might have better luck running errands soon, Mark's boss told him he's not allowed to work any more over time (Boss-man didn't like paying 10+ hours of time and a half every week!!) so I think he's going to work four 10-hour days and take one day off a week and work on his side business. With that, I can at least coordinate errands with him watching the kids if I need to. Or, if he decides to only work 8 hours a day, and leave at 3:30, then I can run out during nap time.

Oh, potty training. I'm such a push-over. We did good for about an hour, Brendon peed on the potty, wore big boy underwear and didn't have an accident. Yeah, for an hour. Then, Gavin woke up and needed to be fed, so I put him in a pull-up and let him go. Am I dooming myself to have a 6 year old that isn't potty trained!? I know he's not "ready," really, but I want him to know the process. Well, as much as his 2 1/2 year old brain can. He ran around for about 30 minutes with a leaky wet diaper and soaking pants and didn't make a fuss! How is that normal?! Oh, and the same time he was like that, Gem had poop up in his armpits! Unfortunately, we were at a staff meeting for my work, so I was in a bind. I lasted as long as I could before leaving early. The ONE TIME I don't take an extra outfit, is the ONE TIME it's a huge mess! His blanket, his carseat (which reminds me, I need to go wash that stuff before tomorrow), his clothes. Thankfully, in the car I had an emergency stash. Brendon had a pull-up and extra pants, thank you!! and Gem had a onsie. Although I lost it in the great changing time, but there was a fleece suit (you know, footie, hoodie, mittens, zip-up) that I put him into for the ride home. I will never forget to make sure that emergency stash is stocked!


I hate "what if?"

We have completely changed cars now. First, we traded the Chevy Silverado for a Subaru Outback. Then this past week we sold the Honda Odyssey and the weekend Mark just bought a Isuzu Rodeo. You know how "they" say that every so often your hair or akin has completely new and nothing you had a year ago is still here? Yup, that's what we did.
Have I mentioned that I don't like change?? I really don't. It bothers me. The week before Gavin was born I was a wreck! I mean, I wanted it, I planned it. But I think the fact that everything would change and never be the same is unnerving. That's the same with the vehicles. We've been talking about it for months, but I never thought we'd really do it. And now? We did it and I'm unsettled. What if!? Just what if?!

And I hate it. But I can't help it.

Making stuff

I just realized I can make my own nursing pads! I've made several pairs, but I don't leak anymore. That's a good thing, but now I can't see how well they work! I do have a friend of a friend who I'm going to send some to, so my talent won't be wasted!
Backed with fleece, or soft flannel, micro terry in the middle, water proof PUL hidden, the a cute print or color on the outside :)


October 20, 2011

I just realized I never wrote down Gem birth story! I'll never forget it, but I'd like to keep it "written" somewhere. If you don't want to read it, then go away.

At my 36 week visit, my do said that I had started to dilate. I was "1"! And at 37 weeks I was 2 cm. At my 38 week, I was 3 and super miserable. Gem decided he liked his head squeezed between my hips. I thing he was as low as he could be with out being born! So, the doc said that if my next check up looks good, and once I hit 39 weeks, they'll induce if I want it.

I was all gung-ho to say no way, but there's a breaking point for everyone. I had hit mine. I couldnt walk, I couldn't life my foot up higher than ankle height, I couldn't sit for more than a few minutes. I was miserable. I was overjoyed to be pregnant, but I was over it!
So my 39 week check up went well, I was still only 3 cm, though I was hoping for 4 cm and scheduled GEM's birthday.
We showed up at the hospital at o'dark 30, bags packed, iPod charged, and BAM at a friend's house. My pitocin and monitors got started at 6 am. From 6 to 8 I contracted and contracted. I brought music to distract me. I did lots of different things, mostly out of bed, which my nurse was great about it! Em kept moving while I moved and wouldn't stay on the monitor, but she was like "you do what you need to do and I'll worry about the baby!" I put my music on and submerged myself in it and let the contractions be a background to the music. I won't lie, they were crazy strong. And every 1/2 hour or so, the nurse would come in and ask me how I was doing. "Fine" or "hanging in" got my pitocin bumped up. At 10, the doc came in and I was about 5 cm dilated. He broke my water and I pour about 20,000 liters for fluid out. I have about 3 contractions while he was "helping" that fluid out. Meaning, I was on my back, gushing fluid, and contracting. Those post-water-breaking contractions are even worse than the pitocin contractions! Anyways, I was 5 cm before he broke my water and was 7 cm by the time it was done. The epidural took a whole, the anesthesiologist had some trouble getting it in. The place he finally got it was lower than he started, and I think that's where my problems came from. Anyways, it was in and I was in bed on my side trying to get through the contractions, about 11 am. They were very strong, so strong the nurse was like "you're still feeling them that strongly??" so I got a button to push when I had a contraction. Still didn't help.

From then to about 1130 I has no relief, except in my legs. My stomach and my back were in full labor mode! My legs were not effected, but my *ahem* nether regions were. About 1145 I got up on my hand and knees (again the nurse was surprised I could move that well with the amount of epidural I had received!) and tried that. I was doing my music thing and I had to moan through them. I remember feeling like I was about to explode.

At 1145 I was still a 7. At 12, I was coming unglued. The nurse thought to check me because I was making the "pushy noises" and I was completely dilated!! They got it all set up and the doc came in and we were all ready and they kept telling me "soon. " I finally got exasperated and said that with Bam they said "this next contraction is it so many times that I stopped believing it." The doc looked at me, and said "your baby is coming with the next few contractions. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think he was coming!"

A few contractions and Gavin Emerson was born at 12:34 pm on October 20, 2011. So, 6 hour labor, only two stitches, and double the children!

Maybe some other time I'll post about the afterwards of Gem's birth.


A flop

I had something planned out for a nice post but I can't remember what it was. And I'm going to bed, I work tomorrow.

Excuses, excuses

Yup, I didn't blog last night. But I have a valid excuse. I had a migraine. Excedrine helped enough to fall asleep, but at 0245 (I know the exact time because Gavin decided it was time to eat again) I took some ibuprofen and Fioricet. Boy oh boy, did that do it!

Yesterday at work, about 4pm, my young patient (younger than me) started going south and the next 2 1/2 hours consisted if lots of blood pressure taking, lots of IV fluids, lots of private pages to his doctor, and finally a jaunt up to ICU where I was kept waiting for 30 minutes to give someone report. The day shift RN didn't want to take it (understandable, I wouldn't have either), but the night shift RN wouldn't come out of shift huddle to take report so I could go back down stairs to my other two patients.

That one patient took almost half of report time. Thankfully the nurse that had my other patients had worked the night before and it was a quick update in those two. Good thing too, because the boys were downstairs waiting for me. We sold the silver bullet van, so they came to pick me up.

I think Gavin was mad at me for leaving him for so long. When we for home and I started to nurse him, he wild whimper as he nursed then he screamed for 20 minutes. It was a scream like he was in pain. He did burp a few times, but they were small burps. It seemed like an eternity before he calmed down. So I let him nurse for like an hour to make up for nothing all day long. Poor baby. So the screaming only intensified my headache :( but he slept from 9 until almost 3, then he ate again at 6 and woke up at 7, but he laid (I can't figure out the past tense for lie, so I'm using the wrong word, I know) in bed until 8, totally different from Bam.

Today is my no social media day, so I won't be around. I'll see you tomorrow!


Best Plans Don't Happen That Way

Tomorrow was supposed to be my official return to work day. But things don't always, ok almost never work out the way I plan.

Take Gavin, for example. I planned on him settling into a nice 3 hour routine. But instead he wakes up from a good nap screaming to be fed. When I was pregnant, I promised myself that there was no way I would be induced. Yet, at 38 weeks, my baby's head was making itself very prominent and I found myself not being able to watch comfortable, unable to sleep, an begging to be induced if all looked good.

I think I'm one of the worst planners, no matter what I try. I can't help it. Some people stink at hand writing. Some people stink at telephone talking. Some people stink at directions. I happen to stink at all of those AND planning. Lucky me.

I liken all this planning that goes awry to God hearing my plans and saying "oh, you think so, do you??" I was thinking of giving away some of my maternity clothes, especially the ones like the scrubs because by the time we even start about having another (please, Lord, don't!) my hospital will be color coded or I wouldn't be working. But then I could imagine what would happen so I'm keeping them.

Bags are packed, milk and juice measured, clothes set out, alarms primed and we are ready for bed and it's not even 10pm! And I didn't even plan it!!


Hopefully, The First of Many

This is the problem with trying to blog everyday. I can't find something to write about. And how boring is if to listen to someone prattle on about how there's nothing to talk about.

I got a bread machine for Christmas. The result was, still is, delicious. It said to use bread machine flour, but that sounds like a ploy to get more money. I used bread flour, and so far it turned out good. Any thoughts on the issue?

I ushered in the New Year with some bubble-bubble, some crickets (my alarm sounded like crickets and I was so mad I couldn't find that cricket), and a baby who slept until 3am.

So here's to twenty-twelve. May you get days where all the kids nap at the same time, where the kitchen stays clean for more than 3.5 seconds, and extra money in the bank at the end of the months.

Adios, muchachos.