and all through the house, not a creature was stirring . . . J/K!

So, the night time activity in this house has decreased dramatically since last week. Thanks for all your sympathy, and "tips" that I might or might not have scoffed at :D but in a totally light-hearted way.

I know newborns need to eat frequently, some times around the clock, but enough is enough. And I have had enough. The first night was hard, and I was exhausted the day after, and I had to work. I know, what a time to start, huh?

Well, it's not 100% resolved, but I'd rather be woken up to change his diaper (that is pretty wet) just once, than to be woken up several times to feed AND change (cause once he's awake and wet, he can't go back to sleep). I stopped offering him the chance to nurse. I just didn't do it. Oh, he wanted to, he really wanted to and was mad when I didn't let him. I gave him a bottle of water, and if there had been enough light in the room, than I bet I would have seen him glaring at me. Since he didn't want that, I have him his paci, that was taken with relief, kinda like -oh good, not THAT water again! He woke up several times after that and cried himself to sleep each time. But it was only a minute or so before he fell asleep. The next night was much easier, much easier! He only woke up once, and went to back to sleep easier (with just a little rocking and paci). But he was up at 6:30am, instead of his usual 7:30.

And now, he wakes about 4 because his diaper is full, but that's understandable, right? I change him and he goes right back to sleep. I make sure I have an extra paci where I know it is, so I can just give it back to him.

So that's where we're at. Now if only I can convince him to sleep in until oh, 9 or so :)

Advice wanted....maybe...

I need some helpful advice. I'll tell you the problem, and what I've tried, and you will tell me something else to try, and it will work, and the problem will be fixed, ok? Great!

Brendon is stuck in a rut. He is waking up several times a night. SEVERAL TIMES! I could deal with one. I could even do two every once in a while, but EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. is not conducive to my enjoying the day with him, or even at work.

He goes bed around 6-630pm, most days with just a little fuss. His last meal is about 4, so I try to dream feed him around 9pm before I go to bed- which explains why he wakes up at 9, but I can deal with that, 'cause I'm not asleep yet. Any later than 7, and he cannot wind down. Some times he cries himself to sleep, some times he goes right to sleep.

The problems come after we go to bed. He wakes up around 12 each night. We've tried all sorts of things. We tried a fan for white noise, no fan, a crack of light from the closet, a night light (waay too bright), no light, soft music, no music, cereal before bed, snack before bed. We have a bedtime routine that we more or less adhere to (depending on how tired and cranky he is), it's the whole bath, book, b0ob thing.

If I leave him alone, he gets hysterical, mad and stands up and won't go back to sleep. Plus he throws his pacifier on the floor, and he still uses that. Depending on how patient/tired I'm feeling, I either pick him up and cuddle him until he calms down and is drowsy again (some times takes more than one time) or I give up and nurse him, because I know that after we're done, he will go right to sleep.

I stumble back to bed and grasp a few hours of sleep until he does it again at 4am. This time is tricky. On day I work, I try to feed him so he goes to Christina's house with a full tummy, and I go to work not spilling milk, because there's no guarantee that I will be able to pump before lunch. I used to feed him at 5:30 when we got up to get ready for work, and he'd be awake until he was dropped off around 6:30am. I might try that again if this "situation" doesn't improve soon

Anyways, I try to be consistent, but it's hard because each day is not the same. I work 12 hour shifts 3 days a week, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday/Sunday (every other weekend).  The weekends are the worse, especially Sunday, because Sunday school is at 930, and we don't get home until 12:30, and he won't nap in the nursery. Then, our evening service is at 6 (right at bedtime!!), and again, he won't nap in the nursery.

His napping schedule stays consistent, at 10 and 2. He gets 5 ounces at 8, 12 and 4 when I work, and nurses at those times when I'm home. He gets about 1/2 cup of food after each feeding, and some snacks if he happens to still be hungry.

He has never slept through the night for more than 1 night in a row. NEVER. While most moms were exclaiming how surprised they were in the morning when their baby hadn't woken up, I was stumbling through the day wishing for that day. He's 9 months old, I'm still wishing for that day.

Am I doing something wrong? Am I forgetting something? I feel like a failure when people ask me why I'm so tired, and I say that the baby woke up several times last night and they're response is, "He's not sleeping through the night yet? Really!?" I know they don't mean to, but it comes across like "What's wrong with you and your kid?!"

I think we're ready to start thinking about another baby, but I cannot deal with two night wakers! I physically cannot. Maybe if I was a stay-at-home mom, and didn't work, I could deal with it. But working, and working 12 (ends up more like 13-14) hours on my feet all day long, I think it's too much.

So, tell me, friends, family, and f....facebookers, what did you do, what worked for your kids, and tell me it will get better. If your baby slept through the night by week 4 and is still sleeping through the night for 12-14 hours straight (or even 10!) a night, don't tell me that. I might have to drive over to your house in the middle of the night, wake your baby up, and leave. and I will find your house! I promise!

Happy Baby Pictures

So, we've branched out and attempted tennis. Laugh, please laugh, it's funny. Imagine it, me with little to no hand-eye coordination, trying to hit a flying fist sized ball AS IT'S FLYING. Granted, the hitting instrument is on the medium-large size, but still, THE BALL IS FLYING. We still had fun, laughing is exercise, right? Brendon loved being outside. I gave him a teething biscuit, to keep his mouth busy (better that then the pollen strands!). He didn't even try to climb the fence, like I was imagining. The picture doesn't show it, but he had dried cookie drool all down his shirt and covering his face.

A week ago, our friends N&N had their baby, L. He's super cute, and already has his daddy wrapped about his tiny fingers. He was born 6 weeks away from N's "40 week due date," but L weighed in at 7 1/2 pounds, and after the pediatrician finished his assessment, he decided that the dates must have been wrong, because he was no preemie. Can you imagine if she went until "40" weeks and they let her? He'd have been huge! But all are safe, sound, healthy and settling in nicely.

Just when I think I'm done, I cry again.

Mercy, is it really mercy?

According to the viewpoint of Merriam-Webster, it's mercy.

1 a : compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power; also : lenient or compassionate treatment b : imprisonment rather than death imposed as penalty for first-degree murder
2 a : a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion b : a fortunate circumstance
3 : compassionate treatment of those in distress

 According to the viewpoint of Daughter, it's the finale. It's the end of a love, the closing of a relationship, the letting go of all hope that Dad would make it home.

According to the viewpoint of medicine, it's for the best. It's easing the passing, relieving the suffering, making it easier, lessening the watching of Death claim Man.

Sure, we've all read about nurses/doctors who give/prescribe medicines-particularly morphine and lorazepam- knowing that they will lessen the work of breathing (make it easier) and decrease the anxiety that comes with not being able to breathe. Hand-in-hand with that comes a decrease in the WANT TO to breathe. So he's breathing easier BECAUSE his body doesn't want to anymore. And he's not agitated about it because he's medically (and necessarily) sedated. The effect of all this-knowing that Man died not feeling as if he was suffocating, not thrashing around in bed, not gasping to get one more breath in.

And I helped. When I was first asked, I was ready to step in, knowing that he had fought a long battle, and was losing. As I prepared the drugs, it hit me what was happening and what we were doing. I didn't think I was ready to do that. But I know God gave me the strength, courage, and compassion to help Man and his Daughter.

All day long, it was go, go, go, and chart, chart, chart, and transfer, transfer, transfer, and page doctors, and calm irate patients, and clean poop (sorry!),  and now, I'm crashing from too much Mountain Dew (I shouldn't have, but I was craving!) and the inner workings are going and I can't keep it inside.

I think the main things that really get to me about it are 1)Wife had not been able to see Man since he had been admitted to the hospital-several days, if not weeks, 2) just a week ago we were having a conversation about the spelling of my name and Tuesday he was so irritated with us that he flipped each nurse off who went in to his room and 3) YESTERDAY he was ready to go home, not physically, but mentally.

I walked past his room last week, and he has his eyes wide open, like bugged out, and would just yell out "Hey, hey hey!" if you even thought about glancing in. But it was funny and adorable at the same time.

I really don't have much contact with death, even though I work close by it very often. This is only the 5th I've encountered since January 2008. First was Curly,  I happened to be walking by the room, and saw her through the doorway-she was already gone. Second, was Computer Geek who was there when I left one night, and gone by morning. Third was New Admit-not 30 minutes after being admitted from the ER she coded on me. Fourth was Low Blood Pressure, who's nurse thought I looked so composed and calm and I climbed aboard his bed and started compressions (inside, I was freaking out!). And each one hits me new, whether I'm there when it happens or while I'm gone and I hear about it later.

I know they will keep coming. This is me coping.

My tears are shed; my prayers sent for the family; and now my thoughts are written down.

*big breath* sorry to be so dark tonight, check back tomorrow for some light hearted stuff and BABY! pics! N&N had a baby boy on Monday, and he is a cutie pie! Brendon and I are going to go see them tomorrow and bring then dinner. I can't wait!!

Summer in April

I've been playing with the settings on my camera, learning from this tutorial. The unedited versions are here and the shopped ones (using iPhoto) are here. I found some settings that I didn't know existed, and like taking pictures again!

Brendon sporting his Notsox from Babysteals. I like them. His dad thinks they're a bit odd, but psshh :) They're a handy invention, makes diaper changes a cinch, and cute!

We spent a good hour outside, enjoying the summer weather in the beginning of spring. A popsicle helped keep him cool!

Brendon's newest skill is holding this above his head with both hands, and bringing it down really fast!

Amazingly, he doesn't put as much in his mouth as I worried about. He likes to examine them in his hands.

Brendon loved feeling the concrete, and the bits of leaf that he had crunched

Mainly, I enjoyed just spending time outside AND with Brendon.